The Allure of the Stable
Fear of Change and Trusting the Heart
During the Lilac wildfire in northern San Diego County in 2017, stable owners at a thoroughbred training facility tried desperately to release the horses, in the hope that they would flee the ravaging smoke and fires to safe ground.
Some of the horses refused to leave. Some, to the owners’ relief, initially fled. But then, tragically, they returned to the stables only to perish.
This reminded me of how I have returned, over and over, to the known, even when the known is no longer safe.
A few months ago I was struggling with a decision. I (my mind) didn’t have it all worked out. I was in unknown territory.
There seemed to be a heavy cloud of confusion hanging over me. “I don’t know, I don’t know” was the mantra going on in my thoughts. Fear of getting it wrong, fear of not enough, fear of being out of control. It brought up insecurities. The tempest of mental confusion and swirling emotions was exhausting; I felt anxious, even depressed.
What might have happened if I wasn’t bringing awareness to it? Perhaps, with the sense of being out of control and no clear evidence of how to proceed, I would begin turning my attention somewhere else. Subconsciously, ‘protecting’ myself.
Moving away from the struggle, assuaging the pain and to my mind’s relief avoiding a leap of faith. Slipping once more back into the stable of the known, the not-so-safe normal.
But instead, this time, I decided to just sit with it. Not to fix it, not even to understand it, but to just give this maelstrom of energy my complete, unwavering, present attention.
Sitting there I could feel the pressure of it, and the desire to turn away. My mind wanting to project my attention somewhere else, anywhere but here and now.
But I stayed with it. Just witnessing. Holding compassion for what I was experiencing.
I had an open curiosity for where this would lead. The curiosity helped me remain detached. There was no judgement, I was fully in it, yet objective.
After a while I found myself dropping into the quiet of the heart, and witnessing from that space. I felt less consumed by the energy. I was witnessing a shift. Trusting something deeper, beyond my thinking mind’s understanding and knowledge. I felt a sense of comfort, and knew in my heart what I needed to do.
Holding space for my own limited conditioning had created the crucible for a transformative experience.
Without the facts, without having it worked out, I made a decision that opened up a number of opportunities that were not apparent before.
Life has ways of shaking us awake. Presenting opportunities that ask us to trust the wisdom within (that is always there). To journey into the parts of the self-concept (that which we think we are) we are ready to let go of, allowing more of the sense of who I am to emerge.
Perhaps a career or relationship once passionate about no longer nourishes. The death of someone close leads to questioning what it’s all about. Or accomplishments and possessions, which once provided a sense of power and assurance, no longer have the same sheen. What is known no longer supports, and something calls to go deeper into a journey of discovery.
Have you ever felt a yearning for something different? Or perhaps for something to come along and save you? And yet there it is - a tension; you resist the call. Dip a toe but never completely commit. How often have you had the nudge, but ignored it, running back into the arms of the known?
“When a great moment knocks on the door of your life, it is often no louder than the beating of your heart, and it is very easy to miss it.” Boris Pasternak
Our nervous systems have become attuned to the known, so much so that the stables have such allure.
We remain ‘safe’ unaware of the opportunities waiting on the other side, if we could just stay with it, and follow the impulse.